I literally feel like my life is in the toilet right now. Everything is slowly swirling down the drain and soon everything that matters will be gone. My job gets worse year by year. My friends seem to drift further and further away. Or maybe I'm drifting further and further away, I'm not sure. It's really hard to tell anymore. People I care about are changing and I don't feel like it's for the better. I'm changing and it definitely isn't for the better. It does finally feel like the world is changing for the better though. That is one positive thing. I just need something to go my way. Anything at this point. I need to feel like I can talk to someone about all of this. I usually feel like I can talk to Brittany but I can't talk to her about how I feel about her. That would be way too weird. It would probably push her away just like it has every other girl. I honestly don't see me ever getting into a relationship again. Not because I don't want to but because I just don't feel like it will ever have a chance of happening. I mean seriously I'm not attractive, I have nothing going for me in the long run, and I have nothing going on in my life now. I'm almost useless. I just don't know what to do anymore. I just don't.
How long do you have to feel under appreciated and unimportant before it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy? Exactly how long does it take when you feel that way for you to eventually phase yourself out of the lives of the people you care about to the point where even they don't realize you aren't around any more?
I took a walk and sat outside for about two hours tonight, and I really don't think anyone even knew I was gone. That can definitely be a blow to the old ego.
I think what aggravates me more is the fact that I bring this feeling onto myself. I mean, I'm the one who left without telling anyone. I knew everyone was downstairs and busy. Why would they have noticed I was gone? And yet it still bothered me.
I know that people care about me. And I know that people don't always intend to take advantage of me. I think what it boils down to is that I'm just lonely. I've been lonely for so long, and the few times I've felt like that loneliness might finally end have always ended in disappointment.
Or maybe I'm just tired and I'm letting little things get to me. I don't know. All I know is that I hope this feeling is gone soon. I really don't know how much longer I can deal with it.
Last night/this morning was amazing. Even if nothing more comes of it, I am happy for the moment, and that is what I'm worrying about from now on.
Comment here and I'll tell you something I adore about you. Then post this in your LJ, and spread the love.
Well, I told someone I'd do this last night, and I spaced it until I was too tired. My apologies but here is an update.
I'm broke. Broke as hell. My pockets currently contain $1.00 made up of two quarters and five dimes. As much as I hate to, I'm going to have to end up borrowing some money somewhere to get me through the next two days. I seriously hate doing this. Maybe it's foolish pride, or stubbornness, or maybe it's just my desire to succeed on my own, I'm not sure. The thought of borrowing money just makes me feel like crap. It feels like I'm a screw up or a failure or something because I spent my money foolishly and didn't hold onto any. It's just not any fun at all, but I really have no choice. One dollar is not going to get me through till Thursday when I get paid. I have gas to think about, and eating is always a good thing too. I've had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and some popcorn for dinner the past two nights. That's not a dinner, that's a snack, or possibly a light lunch. Oh well. I guess sometimes you have to do things you don't like and humble yourself a bit.
This past weekend I spent almost entirely at home. And of that time, I spent most of it online. I was doing some catching up with an old friend of my niece. A girl who was in my class and who I always thought was pretty cool. Not really sure why I never tried being friends with her. We just hung out with different crowds I guess. Getting to know her better over these past couple of days though, I really wish I had talked to her back then. I definitely feel like we could have been very good friends. But it's alright. I'll settle for getting to know her now I suppose. Not like I can go back and change it.
Last night Terminator vs. Vader debate with Clint. We were discussing who was the better villain. And while we both made valid points, I just don't see how anyone could say that the terminator was better. He wasn't evil, he was a machine doing what his programming said. For someone to be a good villain, I think they have to do something out of personal motives. Something truly sinister has to be chosen over doing good. Vader could easily have done things for good, but he chose to kill, maim, and destroy. The fact that he had a choice and went with the bad I think makes him a better villain. The Terminator was just doing what he was programmed to do. That's not really evil. What programmed him was evil, but not the Terminator himself. Please weigh in with your opinion and settle this once and for all.
I'm outta here now kiddies. Stay fat.
So the last few days have been kinda cool. Sunday night went with Clint to see Doom. Man was that awful. I did actually like the way they did the first person aspect for a short time. Which is odd because I hate first person games. I don't know, you figured it out.
Monday night hung out with Kari Morgan. Hadn't seen her in a while so we went to the Coffee Grounds and then to get some stuff for her at Super Wal-mart. It was a good time. It was nice catching up.
Last night Oliver and I drove up to Lafayette to see Rachel's play. It was one of the best things I've ever seen. It was actually kind of interactive in that they had benches on the floor where all the action was and they had to move them around occasionally. It was different and very cool. Also picked up the Shadowrun Fourth Edition rulebook. Probably spent money that I shouldn't have, but oh well.
Had today off so I spent most of the day looking over the book and tonight created a character. A leader, face type to handle negotiations and such. Extremely different system, but I like it.
Well, that's all I really have to talk about right now. I will get back to you guys soon though. Stay fat.